summer is here – i’m moving out this week – i’m graduating in a little over two weeks and flying home not long after. canterbury is emptying out, almost all my friends have gone home and the last time i was on the campus was about 2 weeks ago, and even then it was already pretty empty. i went to return some library books and the screens in the library that usually show how many computers are available were turned off. a librarian was at the desk as usual but no one else seemed to be around. i probably saw more construction workers than students.
it makes me sad, i guess. the sun is brighter, the days are longer and all the layers get thrown off but the people go home. it’s weird, with the days so hot and bright, to walk across a park empty of people when there’d been so many just a few weeks earlier. i’m packing my things and cleaning the house for the final time, trying to fit a whole 3 years of life into 2 suitcases. i got my final results about a week ago, and they were good, and i went to my final house party yesterday, and it was good, albeit a lot emptier than usual, and i’ve said goodbye to a lot of people without knowing whether it was our last goodbyes or not.
there’s this big feeling of settling… or not settling so much as resignation. now that it’s the end of the year, the final year, and i don’t really know what i was expecting to feel, but what i do feel is resignation. i’m slightly buzzing to leave this city, to just be part of everyone else who has left, instead of one of the ones still left behind to feel all the absences. i’m slightly buzzing as well to just leave this country. it is sad, but in a way i feel like i’ve already resigned myself to it: i knew it was going to happen anyway, i knew that a lot of my friendships would have been temporary, and i’m buzzing to just leave it all behind, sealed and packed in its own moving box along with my winter clothes that i won’t need anymore & the books for class that i probably won’t read again. it sounds brutal, and that’s why i’m sad, and not so much content with it as resigned to it.
i feel like i’m looking over the past 3 years like someone looking out over a city from a window in a high-rise. the whole view is fairly complete now, and there probably aren’t a lot of new memories left to be made/new experiences left to be had, there’s only the surveying and pondering. i’m not deliciously happy with the past 3 years (i’m probably not going to be one of those people who tells everyone that “university was the best 3 years of my life!”), nor am i disappointed or anything, but i guess i’m moving towards being content with it, or at least as close to content as i can be. resigned. because there isn’t anything left to do, is there? mostly the feeling of, i’ve made my bed, and now i have to lie in it.
at least the weather is nice.