what do you call it if i don’t believe in god but i believe in signs? can i be religious without being spiritual? i just love the clean, healthy fear of routines that can’t be fucked with. i want the renouncement of desire to be a noble act rather than a passive resignation. sometimes you say no to the things you want because you want them too much. saying “no” becomes a necessary, daily act. (i could leave right now but no. i could return to the place where i felt comfortable but no. i could take apart every single thing i’ve built up for the past few months, throw caution to the wind and start again, but no. or even, i could finally just [ ] but no, i guess not.) every single decision comes to acquire a moral consequence. how do you move on when you live like that, and how do you let go? what do you do? how do you make choices? … i guess i do what i’ve been doing all along. set my alarms. drink water. start again every day as many days as it takes. raise myself higher than anyone could have ever imagined.